It happened in a moment One fleeting instant when a flash of warmth washed over me Wrapped around my being and Penetrated my soul I was going to hold back Who can do that, though, when the dam truly breaks? All that I am burst forth in a frothy mess Flotsam and jetsam, driftwood and so much more You weathered that outburst Navigated the storm of all that I am and all that I want to be Reminded me that I have the tools to chart this life You had the quiet faith in me, allowing me to listen and understand I am on a journey I have rediscovered a lot of myself I still have a lot to do Reminded me that I shouldn’t allow myself to be distracted Yet I know there is something there with you If time and circumstance were different I easily would make a better case But alas, right now I shouldn’t I do wish so badly that I could purge those feelings of shouldn't Sitting with you, talking, listening, learning, understanding Wanting to cross that friendship line Go for broke and reach for more I’ve seen it in my dreams Brushing your hair from your eyes and feeling your face in my hands Bringing your lips to mine, tasting our breath mixed Drawing hearts together, beating as one for a single moment in time But I am going to let that go because now just won’t do Because if I have ever learned anything, I've learned that, no matter what, I am fortunate to call you my friend And that I respect your wishes too
Unanswered is an Answer
Reflecting back Was it too much saying what I had to say Asking what I asked Things heavy in totality Possibly unseen even by me All I can view is its aftermath The coolness now in our brief encounters A thunderous silence permeates our communication Not quite death but not really alive either A friendship possibly broken by expressed wants and desires Perhaps I will never be given any answers Perhaps this is a lesson that I need to learn Accept that I took the shot Just wait a while and let it go I don’t want to Yet I will Because life is more than just being with you It is about living for me
My Growth into Release
Blindsided you say So sudden and out of nowhere I’ve rewound those words in my mind Realizing with each and every pass Just how much you didn’t know about me How much you chose not to care or acknowledge I feel we were friends Ones that played a chance of falling in love I see it so clearly now You never wanted to see those deeper darker parts of me You only wanted an affectionate shell Something to show off Something to possess An existence Survival If you would have taken the time then Spoke to me the flaws you chose to ignore Maybe things could be different Maybe we never would have shared this dance at all I am not without fault as well I should have spoken up too Pleaded that the depths of my soul needed more But I didn’t I fell for a dream I wanted to make you happy Even if it meant sacrificing what I wanted I dared that you would grow to want those parts of me too We were wrong Locked into patterns we traced before Doomed to repeat the mistakes of old A pair of lives we hoped to escape But we didn’t I honestly feel I tried But my silence could not make you want to feel My coldness made you long for what you really need So we drifted apart I can see this now I admit there is sadness in this A time shared one could see as wasted But if we learn our lesson from this Looking back it might be the most important time of our lives Right now It will feel bad to know that I love you I am just not in love I want you to be happy I want you to be loved and cherished Even if it isn’t with me I love you so much I need to let you go I only plead to your heart Can you do the same for me?
The 3000 Questions About Me Series: What is a quality you most like in a woman?
I have left this series at this question for so long, I almost never came back. But now that I have finally collected my thoughts, I am prepared to write out my truth. Independence. I admire a woman with a great sense of self and who knows where she wishes to go in her life. She doesn’t need someone to do the work for her, but if the opportunity aligned, she would not turn down the offer of assistance either. She is a natural motivator and go getter to accomplish her needs. I feel this would make her a good communicator as well since she moves fully with intent of her own sense of self. Someone to dance with but also one who isn’t afraid to take the lead as well. A true partner in all things. This is one in which trust can be found yet you would be happy to know the waltz may merely be temporary. Truly, a gift upon this world that I would rather share than try to simply possess. Someone to engage life besides versus building life around her.
Power of Self
Put away your childish things It is what we are told to do Grow up and be an adult I disagree There is so much more Like looking into your mirror Finally liking your reflection Not your physical shell See what radiates from within Can you walk on your own Be your best you On the day you see this You will realize how far you have come That you are ready to challenge life Even if it means doing so alone Yet If someone were to walk the path alongside you You would appreciate that Work as a team Further you would realize You already have this For you are your own team Your own best friend Today I look into that mirror and say, “Hello me. I want you to know something I never tell you enough. I love you” In that moment I have changed I have found peace For I have finally acknowledged Me
Coming Clean
I wish I knew where to begin I wish I knew what to say Yet words had been escaping my being I guess I should at least start today I am sorry if I wasn’t clear before Back then close to the start When the two of us were newly made friends That a deeper feeling took root in my heart It may be to late to say this But I do want you to know I will always be here for you No matter where your decision may go I like you more than a friend I feel you deep into my being I don’t think this is just happenstance For to me those feelings are would be fleeting I do wish we could sit and talk Push aside that anxiety I will do my best to not disappoint you I want to show you all of me I probably should never have allowed that thought The one that you and I could become something more Yet it became a reoccurring vision in my heart A feeling I had only felt but one real time before I realize this is all heavy information Something you do not know what to do with But my friend I just wanted you to know In you I see such a precious gift I know my timing is horrible To the point past things got away So this is why I share this now I cannot wait until tomorrow today We both have things to work through A mess of lives from before to untangle I know though if you wanted These things together we could handle So now I have said what I needed to say I’ve done my best to be clear I honestly will be content with whatever you decide For I am no longer choosing fear
Goodbye 2019
A year ends A year begins A year measured in failure In victory Mere survival I look back at the year One in which I did not want to grade A year in acknowledging loss in love A year of inflicting hurt and pain And yet In it there is still hope I see how far I have come I see that I am standing for myself My creed and beliefs My own sense of me That very thought terrified and crippled my being for so long But it shouldn’t have I am good Sometimes a little misunderstood Prone to serving others before serving me Even getting into relations that I shouldn’t have But that is part of who I am A part I ignored for so long Because I never thought to take the time to serve myself too 2019 I acknowledged this and began my journey Remembering and cherishing me And I am ok with that Here is to continuing forward Embracing what works Removing what does not And with that set in my mind I say, “Hello 2020”
Home Improvement
It is difficult sometimes Holding yourself accountable Take that long look in the mirror See the parts inside of you that work See what parts are damaged or need repair Me I discovered an illusion A canvas picture covering a hole in my soul Under it A ruined home in which another’s heart once resided I thought I had fixed that But it was merely a painting of hope A false image that only hurts those in it An image that is pretty yet it leaves a gaping hole behind it So I am stripping that painting away No matter how hurtful it is Because we both deserve something that wants us both Something to make us whole Now my work begins Laying forth new timbers Pouring a strong foundation Placing love for myself within the cracks Erecting new walls and roofing to keep things protected Laying in new paint and carpet of my self-appreciation Once that is all done One day When I find the strength I will place a new sign out front Tenant wanted Apply within
Cloth Mice and Catnip
I really do not want to write this Because if I write it will be Five times I’ve started now All I have done is cry Just putting pencil to paper Brings forth torrents from my eyes I am at a loss of what to say or write Let alone know what more I could ever do I need to accept the simple fact We are doing the best for you So many memories rush through my head The first time we met You only being seen after the children were asleep You were not super social You were just our quiet handsome guy You have lived a long life Though to us it feels so frustratingly short You’ve helped our little girls grow into young women God we love you so much Its so hard to let you go I am going to miss our morning talks Your telling me with soft vigor about the situation of blue in the food bowl Spending time with us when we are sad You begrudgingly accepted the girl cat inside Even though you had suspicions that she could be bad You loved and played and purred Almost everyday until the very end To us you are so much more than a simple cat Because to us dear Crosby, you are our friend Rest well old sport Until we meet again
Smile – From September 21, 2010
Anticipation mounts
Watching her dart by
Industrious
Should I stop her
Try and catch her eye
No I will wait
For I know she is soon done
Sweeping floors
Emptying the till
Now ready for fun
Greeting each other for the first time
Instant hugs and reaction
Happy to have met at last
Smiles and admiration
Unrejected satisfaction
Conversation begins
Telling tales of with-outs and with-ins
Learning carefully of each other
Me and the girl with the Cheshire grin
