If……
Oh how this one word is the bane of my existence
The corruptor of hope and dreams
How is it that two simple letters
Have the power to change everything
I remember that day
When I demanded the choice
On that day you chose me
In a sad sheepish voice
I remember the elation
Feeling I had finally one
But as the moment wore thin
I realized in horror of what I had done
Inflicting my will upon you
Is something no one should ever do
Now that I had chosen to do so
I was no better than anyone had ever been to you
Wracked with guilt I let you go
Asked you take back that decision
For to me loving someone
Should not come from a demanding condition
So that is what happened
Things remained as they were
You staying with him
Eventually me finding her
Would it have been different
If I would have accepted what I had done
Would you and I be together
Would we be our only ones
It is hard to look at life
See such brilliant ends to a chapter
Not to wonder if things could have been different
If we could have had a happy ever after
I still wonder longingly
Because your heart is in my soul
If you will ever accept that I am so sorry
Over how this all was to unfold
Yes I admit that I still cry
Over this most precious love that was not
All is left is ghosts and memories
Because without closure I am lost
Can you find it in your heart of hearts to forgive me
This is all I ask yet of you
For maybe with that knowledge
I can finally begin to forgive myself too
The 3000 Questions About Me Series: What is a quality you most like in a man?
First off, this might ramble, so bear with me….
I enjoy the depth of a man’s character the most. Granted, this is ambiguous and morph-able by definition, but it is what I like in all people really. How they act when the lights are off and they are just being real to who they want to honestly be. How they are when spending time within their own self. How they treat others and interact as true people, and no armored front. If they can show empathy to others situations, even if they do not understand them. Does he mean what he says and say what he means?
In my life, I have done my best to not be one to put on a show or play games with someone’s emotions. I do my best to be honest and speak from my heart. Truth can and will often times hurt. Yet you deserve that versus a bookshelf full of lies and wasted ideas.
Sadly I realize as I write this, wow, I think I need to sit down for a while and take a long look in the mirror.
That brings me to the last characteristic of character. When a man can admit to mistakes and that he is wrong. From this we can begin to make amends and start a path to improve the good within.
To become his own best friend.
The 3000 Questions About Me Series: What do you most dislike about your appearance?
As I sit here in contemplation, I realize how easy it would be to skirt around the hard truth of what I don’t like about me. I could rant at length about how the lines in my face are starting to show, about those crazy old man hairs in my eyebrows and ears, or how the area around my eyes seem to get a little darker each day. But no, I need to express the obvious elephant in the room.
I hate being heavy. There, I said the H word. I never use the H word.
Lord knows I am trying. In my life, I have been on various diets, tried various medications, several work out routines, and even had surgery. Yes, in all cases they have worked for a while, yet the weight still creeps back into my being. Three years ago with my surgery I had lost close to 160 pounds and was under 350 pounds for the first time since my senior year of high school. Yet, it still managed to sneak back and I regained close to 50 of that. I have since redoubled my efforts, and lost close to 20 pounds to place me around 370, but there is so much more to go.
Maybe I cannot handle the journey to keep going. Maybe I lack that mental fortitude, but I am trying!!
How I wish that one day I can finally get some ‘fun’ clothes! Not that I place a lot of value on being hip and trendy, but it would be nice to have a greater selection of things that I truly feel reflect how I wish to be.
-sigh
Denial of Youth
Shock and awe
World turned asunder
Reflecting of days
Memories with you
Can we find the courage
To leave all our hurt behind
Meet each other anew
Maybe this time
Learn to be a friend
I feel back then
Before it all went wrong
We moved to fast and too deeply
Missing that important first part
Not allowing true knowledge and respect grow
We only wanted to succor our bleeding hearts
I want to let that hurt go
I hope that you can as well
Find a new beginning
Built on our past loves sepulcher
Not for just you and me
No
For the both of us
And her
A Sickness of Butterflies
Warm
Familiar
Inviting
Inspiring
Words I never would have chosen for
My depth of character
My amount of love and care in my heart
My simple understanding and comprehension
Yet
Here I am
Terrified these qualities scare you away
Make you feel unworthy
Barely worth my time
Oh, my darling beautiful soul
You are
You are more than you will ever know
For within you I see a reflection of how I feel
And honestly
It scares me
That I am unworthy of being
In your presence
In your gaze
In the conversation
In your thoughts
Your hopes and dreams of what life should be
We can crack the door
Or leave it alone
The entirety of an idea
Between simple friends
Or a step towards our home
Dark Edges of Evening
I could say I was disappointed, or hurt, or saddened. But I am not. I was hoping she would not have cancelled a second time, but she did. I am grateful though, that she let me know instead of just letting me wonder and wait.
I was looking forward to hearing more of her story, the details of situation. I was yearning to be that friendly ear to trust in. Heck, I was hoping to say some of all the things that is going on within me too. But it was not meant to be.
Will that meeting be once again rescheduled? I cannot say. Skipping out on a first get together, and then a second, makes it seem unlikely. But I do hope to be proven wrong.
I didn’t waste my day just waiting though, I did get a lot of things accomplished this time. Supplies at Lowe’s, maintenance done on the furnace, other errands as well. Plus some alone time in the house just for me to play a game.
Yet, I became restless and went for a long drive. I do that when my mind and heart has some hurt inside, and I am not sure how to release it. I didn’t intend to break out crying while on the road, but it happened. It happened three times actually. There I am wondering if I am just crazy in how I feel, or if I am justified, or if something is just wrong with me.
Being empathetic is such a struggle. I never knew it had a name or what it really meant when I was younger, and now that I am older, I am just really trying to figure out how to deal with it. Part of fixing an issue is defining the problems right? I probably do take in too much of others issues, or never let enough of my own out. I feel I should give everything my all, yet keep so little for me.
So yeah, I drove with no destination, taking in back roads and twists and turns. I let out some pressure from within. Next I guess I really need to decide on how to proceed.
The 3000 Questions About Me Series: On what occasion do you lie?
I am not big into the concept or need for lying. Now I will stretch the truth if need be for trying to pull off a surprise for one, but that is about the only time a real need for misdirection should ever be had.
I admit though, I am a daily liar when asked one question that we all have answered probably multiple times in a given day. The question of, “How are you doing?” I would guess, that probably ninety-nine out of one hundred times I would answer, “I am fine, or I am doing OK.” In reality, inside, nothing is farther from the truth. Inside, I have a sea of emotions that are mostly negative and roiling, yet, I keep this pain hidden within. Why do I feel that it is acceptable to hold these things within and not talk with someone? Is this façade I put forth just for them so not to inconvenience anyone for asking? Or, is it for me so that I can put off dealing with these emotions or ideas. Maybe I am just greedy in knowing these things help to define me or I don’t believe I deserve others help?
I am trying to get better at this aspect of me, but this programming is very hard to overcome.
3 A.M.
What does it mean
When you invade my dreams
Playing out events
That may never be seen
Even though it's simple
Going for a walk
Listening to one another
Hearing us talk
Deeper understanding
Or just hopeful thinking
Either way I will take them
It so beats just drinking
A friend you shall have
It is what I wish to be
But know I will do whatever
You would have of me
Silent ear
Shoulder to cry on
Sanctuary to be had
Person to rely on
These things I offer you
And the heavens above
For the least I ever do
Is look at you with love
Diving Bell
What does it mean
When our eyes linger on the other
Is something more being said
Than shows in the simple edge of our smiles
Falling would be easy
Into the shades of blue
Hidden, intent, locked away
Never to be seen for virtue
Am I odd to believe there is more in this transmission
Souls searching for solace
Seeking without a known intention
I know it makes things deeper
More than a simple momentary attraction
Eyes feasting within the heartbeats
Hearts feeling satisfaction
Wander with me and dream
Give cares to our ills
Restocking our inner larder
Our own self of will
Parting and looking away
Share with me in a goodbye
Leaving a question unwittingly acknowledged
Of what we could do if you were mine
Gazer of Stars
Artist
Poet
Independent thinker
One to ponder mysteries
My star-crossed soul sister
Adrift on life’s sea
I feel your yearning
Your struggles
Pleading for more something more
Wishing someone was listening
To help show what life is for
You play within the rules
Yet reserve your right to question
Results that are given
Looking for more suggestions
Many do not understand
This differing view of the outlook on life
To me this is a gift
To reevaluate these preached ideals
To find solace from the strife
I cherish her consul
The challenge to held views
Appreciating the depth of difference
Enjoying each precious moment
Believing there could be something more
Than either of us could have become
Dreamer
Visionary
Soothsayer
Muse
And most important to me
Friend
Brain Stew, because anything less is uncivilized 