A Vision with Amber

It happened in a moment
One fleeting instant when a flash of warmth washed over me
Wrapped around my being and
Penetrated my soul
 
I was going to hold back
Who can do that, though, when the dam truly breaks?
All that I am burst forth in a frothy mess
Flotsam and jetsam, driftwood and so much more
 
You weathered that outburst
Navigated the storm of all that I am and all that I want to be
Reminded me that I have the tools to chart this life
You had the quiet faith in me, allowing me to listen and understand
 
I am on a journey
I have rediscovered a lot of myself
I still have a lot to do
Reminded me that I shouldn’t allow myself to be distracted
 
Yet I know there is something there with you
If time and circumstance were different
I easily would make a better case
But alas, right now I shouldn’t
 
I do wish so badly that I could purge those feelings of shouldn't
Sitting with you, talking, listening, learning, understanding
Wanting to cross that friendship line
Go for broke and reach for more
 
I’ve seen it in my dreams
Brushing your hair from your eyes and feeling your face in my hands
Bringing your lips to mine, tasting our breath mixed
Drawing hearts together, beating as one for a single moment in time
 
But I am going to let that go because now just won’t do
Because if I have ever learned anything,
I've learned that, no matter what, I am fortunate to call you my friend
And that I respect your wishes too

Unanswered is an Answer

Reflecting back
Was it too much saying what I had to say
Asking what I asked
Things heavy in totality
Possibly unseen even by me
 
All I can view is its aftermath
The coolness now in our brief encounters
A thunderous silence permeates our communication
Not quite death but not really alive either
A friendship possibly broken by expressed wants and desires
 
Perhaps I will never be given any answers
Perhaps this is a lesson that I need to learn
Accept that I took the shot
Just wait a while and let it go
 
I don’t want to
Yet I will
Because life is more than just being with you
 
It is about living for me

My Growth into Release

Blindsided you say
So sudden and out of nowhere
 
I’ve rewound those words in my mind
Realizing with each and every pass
Just how much you didn’t know about me
How much you chose not to care or acknowledge
 
I feel we were friends
Ones that played a chance of falling in love
I see it so clearly now
You never wanted to see those deeper darker parts of me
You only wanted an affectionate shell
Something to show off
Something to possess
An existence
Survival
 
If you would have taken the time then
Spoke to me the flaws you chose to ignore
Maybe things could be different
Maybe we never would have shared this dance at all
 
I am not without fault as well
I should have spoken up too
Pleaded that the depths of my soul needed more
But I didn’t
I fell for a dream
I wanted to make you happy
Even if it meant sacrificing what I wanted
I dared that you would grow to want those parts of me too
 
We were wrong
Locked into patterns we traced before
Doomed to repeat the mistakes of old
A pair of lives we hoped to escape
But we didn’t
 
I honestly feel I tried
But my silence could not make you want to feel
My coldness made you long for what you really need
So we drifted apart
I can see this now
 
I admit there is sadness in this
A time shared one could see as wasted
But if we learn our lesson from this
Looking back it might be the most important time of our lives
 
Right now
It will feel bad to know that I love you
I am just not in love
I want you to be happy
I want you to be loved and cherished
Even if it isn’t with me
I love you so much I need to let you go
 
I only plead to your heart
Can you do the same for me?

The 3000 Questions About Me Series: What is a quality you most like in a woman?

I have left this series at this question for so long, I almost never came back.  But now that I have finally collected my thoughts, I am prepared to write out my truth.
 
Independence.
 
I admire a woman with a great sense of self and who knows where she wishes to go in her life.  She doesn’t need someone to do the work for her, but if the opportunity aligned, she would not turn down the offer of assistance either.  She is a natural motivator and go getter to accomplish her needs.  

I feel this would make her a good communicator as well since she moves fully with intent of her own sense of self.  Someone to dance with but also one who isn’t afraid to take the lead as well.  A true partner in all things.  This is one in which trust can be found yet you would be happy to know the waltz may merely be temporary.  

Truly, a gift upon this world that I would rather share than try to simply possess.  Someone to engage life besides versus building life around her.

Power of Self

Put away your childish things
It is what we are told to do
Grow up and be an adult
 
I disagree
There is so much more
 
Like looking into your mirror
Finally liking your reflection
Not your physical shell
See what radiates from within
 
Can you walk on your own
Be your best you
On the day you see this
You will realize how far you have come
That you are ready to challenge life
Even if it means doing so alone
 
Yet
 
If someone were to walk the path alongside you
You would appreciate that
Work as a team
 
Further you would realize
You already have this
For you are your own team
Your own best friend
 
Today I look into that mirror and say,
“Hello me.  I want you to know something I never tell you enough.  I love you”
 
In that moment I have changed
I have found peace
For I have finally acknowledged
 
Me

Coming Clean

I wish I knew where to begin
I wish I knew what to say
Yet words had been escaping my being
I guess I should at least start today
 
I am sorry if I wasn’t clear before
Back then close to the start
When the two of us were newly made friends
That a deeper feeling took root in my heart
 
It may be to late to say this
But I do want you to know
I will always be here for you
No matter where your decision may go
 
I like you more than a friend
I feel you deep into my being
I don’t think this is just happenstance
For to me those feelings are would be fleeting
 
I do wish we could sit and talk
Push aside that anxiety
I will do my best to not disappoint you
I want to show you all of me
 
I probably should never have allowed that thought
The one that you and I could become something more
Yet it became a reoccurring vision in my heart
A feeling I had only felt but one real time before
 
I realize this is all heavy information
Something you do not know what to do with
But my friend I just wanted you to know
In you I see such a precious gift
 
I know my timing is horrible
To the point past things got away
So this is why I share this now
I cannot wait until tomorrow today
 
We both have things to work through
A mess of lives from before to untangle
I know though if you wanted
These things together we could handle
 
So now I have said what I needed to say
I’ve done my best to be clear
I honestly will be content with whatever you decide
For I am no longer choosing fear

Goodbye 2019

 A year ends
 A year begins
 A year measured in failure
 In victory
 Mere survival
  
 I look back at the year
 One in which I did not want to grade
 A year in acknowledging loss in love
 A year of inflicting hurt and pain
 And yet
 In it there is still hope
  
 I see how far I have come
 I see that I am standing for myself
 My creed and beliefs
 My own sense of me
  
 That very thought terrified and crippled my being for so long
 But it shouldn’t have
  
 I am good
 Sometimes a little misunderstood
 Prone to serving others before serving me
 Even getting into relations that I shouldn’t have
 But that is part of who I am
 A part I ignored for so long
 Because I never thought to take the time to serve myself too
  
 2019 I acknowledged this and began my journey
 Remembering and cherishing me
  
 And I am ok with that
  
 Here is to continuing forward
 Embracing what works
 Removing what does not
 And with that set in my mind
 I say, “Hello 2020” 

Home Improvement

 It is difficult sometimes
 Holding yourself accountable
 Take that long look in the mirror
 See the parts inside of you that work
 See what parts are damaged or need repair
  
 Me
 I discovered an illusion
 A canvas picture covering a hole in my soul
  
 Under it
 A ruined home in which another’s heart once resided
 I thought I had fixed that
 But it was merely a painting of hope
 A false image that only hurts those in it
 An image that is pretty yet it leaves a gaping hole behind it
  
 So
  
 I am stripping that painting away
 No matter how hurtful it is
 Because we both deserve something that wants us both
 Something to make us whole
  
 Now my work begins
 Laying forth new timbers
 Pouring a strong foundation
 Placing love for myself within the cracks
 Erecting new walls and roofing to keep things protected
 Laying in new paint and carpet of my self-appreciation
  
 Once that is all done
 One day
 When I find the strength
 I will place a new sign out front
  
 Tenant wanted
  
 Apply within 

Cloth Mice and Catnip

 I really do not want to write this
 Because if I write it will be
 Five times I’ve started now
 All I have done is cry
 Just putting pencil to paper
 Brings forth torrents from my eyes
  
 I am at a loss of what to say or write
 Let alone know what more I could ever do
 I need to accept the simple fact
 We are doing the best for you
  
 So many memories rush through my head
 The first time we met
 You only being seen after the children were asleep
 You were not super social
 You were just our quiet handsome guy
  
 You have lived a long life
 Though to us it feels so frustratingly short
 You’ve helped our little girls grow into young women
 God we love you so much
 Its so hard to let you go
  
 I am going to miss our morning talks
 Your telling me with soft vigor about the situation of blue in the food bowl
 Spending time with us when we are sad
 You begrudgingly accepted the girl cat inside
 Even though you had suspicions that she could be bad
  
 You loved and played and purred
 Almost everyday until the very end
 To us you are so much more than a simple cat
 Because to us dear Crosby, you are our friend
  
 Rest well old sport
 Until we meet again 

Smile – From September 21, 2010

Anticipation mounts
Watching her dart by
Industrious
Should I stop her
Try and catch her eye
 
No I will wait
For I know she is soon done
Sweeping floors
Emptying the till
Now ready for fun
 
Greeting each other for the first time
Instant hugs and reaction
Happy to have met at last
Smiles and admiration
Unrejected satisfaction
 
Conversation begins
Telling tales of with-outs and with-ins
Learning carefully of each other
Me and the girl with the Cheshire grin