There will be moments in life, where we look at things, and wonder how it got to be this way. I’ve been facing that more and more the older I become, and realize that I am truly unhappy with a lot of things. I think I have severe depression because of it, and fall into despair as I have no idea of how to right the multitude of things that have gone astray.
Let me start with health. I have always been an overweight person. So much so that I had gastric surgery four years ago to help with this affliction. While that worked for a time, I slowly started to regain what I had lost, to the point I wondered if all I did was waste time. I stopped listening to my body clues, and stopped following the program. I resolved to get better this year, and was aggressive the first two months. The weight started coming off again, and I was feeling good about the direction I was headed. Then I injured my knee to the point I will need surgery. All I want to do now is comfort myself with food, and my outlet of going to the gym is denied to me. I am so beyond frustrated.
I also found out that my Testosterone levels were drastically low. Now, while I am taking a gel every day to bring my levels back, I cannot help but wonder if I had only found this out sooner, if I would be better. It’s frustrating. Especially as a man as it affects everything from energy levels to being able to participate in ‘go’ time.
The addition of now needing my first set of all time glasses, well, it’s almost overwhelming.
Relationships are another issue. I’ve now been married for going on five years, yet at times feel the most disconnected from my partner that I have ever been. I know now in part, some of that is the Testosterone not talking, but there are a bunch of underlying issues as well. From simple things like not sharing the same sleep hours so that we could have adult relations, to more complex things as expectations for doing things, and setting financial priorities. So much on that has passed that I actually have sought out psychiatric help, and that is a good thing. It is a start, as through it I have learned that it is a good thing to make some priorities that are just for me. Such as spending time with my friends just as much as hers, to placing a renewed emphasis on us two finding more common ground and time for us just as a couple.
I do have an issue, in that in dealing with being disconnected from my spouse that I started to form a bond with someone else. Now, nothing physical mind you, but the thoughts and intentions are in there and talked about. It is more than a physical bond too, as this attraction started just by talking about life, and things that we mutually enjoyed. These discussions have snowballed deeper and deeper, to the point where we both have mutually wondered about what a full relationship would be like. We both know that we cannot act upon it, but this mutual attraction is hard to ignore.
I know I had withdrawn a bunch from my group of friends I have had forever, to the point that they knew something was wrong, but didn’t know how to address it. Hopefully going forward, we are all going to be better at being on the same page of doing things together. I’ve missed them, and it shows. I want to be better for them and there for them too.
There are issues with my daughter too, but I feel that is one that I will leave to writing about at a later time. I still am having some issues with figuring things about our relationship out. See, being the divorced dad, I have to but wonder how much of this all is real, and how much is thoughts placed in her head by her mother. I know not, but I hope that one day she sees how much I care and want her to succeed, even if it is sacrificing her relationship with me.
