Posted on by My Inner Storm

A touch of delicate in the workplace

Relationships in general, are a touchy subject.  A relationship that has ties to where you work, can make for some stressful or awkward times.  A broken relationship work relationship, could be disastrous if one of the parties decides to use their influence on others.

I’ve seen this happen.  It is a terrible thing when someone cannot let go and decides to be a jealous ex.  I recommended to my friend that they record all communication that they get from this person, date it, and have that difficult discussion with one of their bosses about the situation.  This at least lets more people know there is a harassment situation going on, and to take steps to protect their employee.  Gathering this all can also address other people gossiping about the situation to make it worse.  Well, hopefully anyways.  I for one would rather have things out in the open and addressed versus whispers behind my back.  Lastly, getting all of this together could be needed as now that this ex feels ‘empowered’, where does it stop?  You need this detailed timeline because you very well may need to have the police involved, for who is to say that this person will not start stalking you or worse.

I worry for my friend, but I feel I have extremely sound advice.  This is a delicate situation, and should be addressed with the most professional and personal respect we can give.

Posted on by My Inner Storm

10 Things

Continuing a theme of self-reassurance, I re-read things I had written yesterday that I liked about myself.  My challenge is to see what more I can add as thing that I truly appreciate about me.  So, without further ado and hopefully not to toot my own horn, let’s begin:

  1. I have a fairly extensive amount of knowledge of computer skills.  Now, I might not know everything there is, but I can fix most issues someone could encounter, and for what I don’t know, there always is Google.
  2. Speaking of Google, I do have mad skills at using that search engine
  3. I feel I am pretty patient in explain to people computer problems, and how to keep them from reoccurring.
  4. The knowledge that when I tell someone that I care about them, I really mean it. So many people today pay lip service to their fellow person only to stab them in the back.  That isn’t me.  If I like you, I will tell you.  If I have an issue with you, I will tell you.  I guess pretty much I learned how to be real in a world of fakers.  Even if doing so puts me in an awkward situation from time to time.
  5. I am very punctual and detest being late for things. This skill gets sorely tempted when I now need to account for girl prep time if we are heading to a function as the entire family, but for the most part we get there.
  6. I can pick up a friendship with someone I have been out of touch with next to instantly. So, what if time is past, we for the most part will always be the person we last remembered, and being cautious all the time to me seems wasteful.
  7. I have a surprising number of handy ‘man’ skills that I never really knew I had to use. They come in all kinds of help when I am addressing home or auto maintenance by myself.  Also, once again, Google.
  8. Even though it has been filled with ups and downs, I feel I am a good parent to both my girls. Being a parent is hard, but I temper the knowledge in that is my role, not to just be a good time person that so many parents of broken marriages seem to fall into.  We are raising the next generation folks, not the next round of buddies.  Please, learn the difference.
  9. I like singing along to music. I had stopped for so long and now that I re-embraced it, I almost want to practice and see if I could be serviceable at it.
  10. I realize that I have OCD, and its okay when I use it properly and not let it cripple me with over analysis.

 

So, that is 10 more (thanks OCD).  Hopefully tomorrow we shall see if I can kick out a third day of things.  I honestly didn’t know I could get past five when I started.  So, this feeling of self, it’s kind of cool.

Posted on by My Inner Storm

Toxicity

And there it is, epiphany number two.  I never realized until now that I have a toxic friendship and that it impacts my life and choices.  So, to frame things, here is some backstory.

In the days leading up to my divorce, I found out an old female friend of mine was getting divorced too.  We talked about things, how life went sideways, and we reconnected.  This connection grew after I moved home and we started to spend more and more time together.  We moved in together after divorces were final, yet it was always odd that she could never call me her boyfriend.  I feel on a base level that bothered me deeply, but I didn’t realize it at the time.  After a year I started to have some custody issues with my ex-wife and decided that I needed a formal arrangement observed by the courts.  So, under advice from two lawyers I consulted, I moved back home with my parents as the legal proceedings continued.  She wasn’t happy about it, but I needed to do what was advised as best. 

I thought that we were continuing as a relationship, but started to hear some whispers that things were amiss.  She had started to see someone else, and never bothered to tell me about it other than he was a ‘friend’.  Eventually it did come out that he was more than a friend and that I wasn’t welcome anymore.  That was okay, but the method sucked.

We’ve kept in touch since then and tried to remain friends. Her life has taken many twists and turns. 

She even told me about how the new guy (the one right after me) had severe PTSD from his time in Iraq and how he couldn’t keep a steady job.  She tried navigating all that, but they broke up shortly after he started having ‘voices’ talk in his head.  If I remember right, he did commit himself afterward and sought some real help.  I hope he is doing better now.

She followed him up with a man with a son.  Which, mind you, I am all for, and she was too.  But that all went south when she realized no matter how she suggested, that when it came to parenting, he would not listen to anything she had to say.  From her account, he only allowed the kid to do whatever he wanted and was his buddy, not a parent.  So she has this personal issue with the parenting, as well as he was caught being unfaithful and stopped paying his share of utilities and such.

She ended up selling the town home they were living in because she couldn’t keep it up on her own, and moved to a new place. She flat out told him that his child wasn’t welcome since he wouldn’t value her opinion on his son or even value her as a person.  Initially she allowed him (but not his son) to move in with her there. One day, however, he decided to ‘partially’ move out and leave his pets behind.  

To me, that was all wrong, and I advised against continuing this relationship that frankly is abuse.  But she still won’t remove the rest of his things because it is too much work.  She would have to gather it all, change the locks, take the animals to the shelter, etc.  Hell, I would have helped her do all that, but she would rather feel sorry for herself that no one will help her, that she is all alone, that there is too much work to be done.

I really wish she would value herself and her self-worth.  I know I find parallels with me, but I can admit I have a problem, and I am working on it.  She only wants to be saved.  I can admit finally that I cannot save her, not just because of my own journey, but because I realize she will never be happy unless she learns to do it.  Alone.  

This realization about her and admitting this to myself makes me just another disappointment.  Just another person who doesn’t want to help.  Just another person who is fake. Fake like the ex-husband who never was home and was always at the racetrack.  Fake like the parents who divorced when she was younger, and then put her into activities so they didn’t have her at home.  Fake like the ex-boyfriends who say they still care, but only talk with her when their current relationships are shot.  I feel she is lumping me into that category, but in my defense, I always was there to talk.

I am sorry my friend, but it isn’t me who has failed you.  You are failing yourself.

I will be here if you ever find you way, but until that day I cannot, no, will not subject myself to your false expectations of everyone but yourself.  Find a way to live life for you for once.

Just like me.

Posted on by My Inner Storm

Epiphany

Sometimes all it takes is some words from a friend for things to start to make sense. Sometimes, it takes that initial observation and hearing a song you’ve heard before to kick it into overdrive.

I had dinner this weekend with a good friend of mine whom I haven’t seen in the longest time. We caught up on her life and mine, and how things have changed. I enjoyed hearing all of her stories of her journey to being in a really good place in life right now. I am happy for her.

During this talk, we turned to what is happening with me and things. I touched on my medical issues as of late, and the struggles I have been having as well emotionally. She took this all in and took things a bit deeper with some questions that I wasn’t totally ready to answer, but I am glad I did.

The first one was to ask if I loved my wife. To this I replied, “I think so.” After realizing how horrible that must sound outside my head, I was able to look deeper into that. In which, I indeed do, but there are issues that keep me from being able to fully embrace that.

This was followed up with the big one of do I love myself. I paused, and said no. I am not happy with myself on a multitude of levels, but I am trying to start making peace with this knowledge. I went into how I had started therapy to discuss my depression and how to handle it. It never occurred to me that there are deeper reasons that can trigger base thoughts that I had believed there was no root cause for. Yet there it is now in plain sight.

This was reinforced to me the following day as I was travelling to King of Prussia. I randomly queued up some music on my phone, and let the songs by Vertical Horizon play. Mind you, I have listened to them many times before, but today was different. I started to realize how a majority of their songs were dealing with sadness and trying to overcome or seek help. I hit their song “Everything You Want”, and as it started to play the tears started to fall. For the longest time, I had assumed this song was about a guy who feels he has done everything for a girl, but to have her not care for him. Today, I realize how wrong I was. This wasn’t about a girl, this was a song about himself and how he cannot understand.

I’ve always liked this track, there was a lot of and outside view of how this person is great and wonderful. Yet, means nothing. That echoes more than I was prepared for. “I am everything you want, I am everything you need, I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be. I say all the right things at exactly the right time, but I mean nothing to you and I don’t know why.”

I followed up with my friend on this, to which she gave me homework. She tasked me with writing down things that I do feel are good about me as a person each day, and to start building on that. One of the keystones in recovery from addiction, is to find a base of self-worth and to realize that you are worth saving. So, here is a beginning:

1. That I am compassionate to others.

2. I like to solve problems, be it physical or emotional

3. I will do anything for my family and friends

4. I would do anything for a stranger too if I could

5. That I do love to write, even if I do not feel it is as great as others say it is

6. I enjoy learning people’s views and exploring differences

7. I am pretty well rounded when it comes to music appreciation.

8. I am elated that I find that I want to sing along to songs in the car again

9. I try my best to be a good boss and coworker, even if it is trying at times

10. I am happy I kicked my own butt to start the minimums of keeping up with my physical appearance. It’s amazing the simplicity of a shave, smell stuff, and a good shirt can have on one’s emotional peace of mind too.

So, these are a few things. I look forward to seeing what more I can add to this list in the future as I continue to reconnect with who I truly am, versus whom I was surviving as. Heh, reminds me of a line of poetry I once wrote. “I am not the man I once was, but I am growing into the man I was always meant to be.”

Posted on by My Inner Storm

Alone

Some people say it is good to be alone
I think those people do not know what true loneliness is
Its an ache in your soul
It’s a doubt in your mind
It’s a break in your heart
That tells you, no one cares about you
You are nothing
Not to anyone
Not good for anything
I hate the feeling of alone
And I don’t think those blissful idiots have a clue

Posted on by My Inner Storm

Depression

No one really knows

How difficult this has been

Always I kept my heart to my self

I kept my feelings within

 

Sad part of this tale

Even I did not know

How this cancer got into me

Started to eat the foundations of my soul

 

You would never know just to see me

Smile as I look you in the eye

That I have been falling apart for years

That I am a thing I despise

 

I try to prop myself up

Repair my sense of worth

But this sickness is rooted in me

Death can be better than this curse

 

No I won’t give in

I still am learning life’s lesson

Though let me tell you

There is no disease worse than depression

Sure you can say

I don’t give the uncurable their due

But this is even worse

For I have a power I do not use

 

Why this happens to good people

Even I cannot say

I just hope to unlock its secret

Overcome myself one day

 

Fanfare will be played

When reaching that joyous end

Just know that till that day

I may need to lean on a friend

Posted on by My Inner Storm

Hands of Revelation

There is a story to be told

Behind those sad eyes

If I look too long

They could be my demise

I try to look away

Yet fall deeper within

Sinking into the heart of you

Swallowed by a leviathan

Gleefully I charge the depths

Sinking into the abyss

Fleeting thoughts of holding you

Maybe chancing one sweet kiss

The road to hell and recovery

Is paved with good intention

Little thought to count the costs

As they are too irrelevant to mention

I want you to feel the way

I do when I look inside

For I see that part of you

That you try so hard to hide

We all have goodness in our souls

We just need to let it out

Finding happiness in life again

That is what it is all about

So take these words from me

It is all that I can say

You shall find your path again

On revelation day

Posted on by My Inner Storm

When deep in dispair

Take a deep breath.  Count to ten. Let that breath out.  Find your center.  Focus.  Let go of the negative.  Breathe.  Take that first step.  It’s okay if you stumble.  Get back up.  Try again.  Vent out you worry, your anger.  Find solace in the quiet, the complete.  Don’t become numb, but aware.  Block of your senses so that you are not overwhelmed.  It’s okay to be overcome, but float up and ride that wave.  You are going places you have never been before.  It’s okay to be afraid.  It’s okay to be scared.  We all are.  Trust that one day you will find your peace, even when the storm is raging.

Posted on by My Inner Storm

I’ve come a ways

I wrote this about 10 years ago, and a lot can still be seen if you look hard enough.

 

It is funny how people say that I should just suck it up.

Funny, in that once upon a time, I was one of those people.  I was carefree, joyful, positive, and fun.

Then, I started realizing, that life is not all the roses that it professed to be.  Worries started to mount, stress about even the little things became heavier and heavier.  Once upon a time, being depressed was something that happened for a day but then left.

Now, however, it is a thing that can lasts for weeks at a time.  I know a lot of it has to do with my self-image.  I worry that I cannot change myself to change myself.  I look at my past successes, and yes, I can do so for short amounts of time, but inevitably, I revert back to what I despise.

How do I change this?  Is this the best I ever will be?  Is their nothing more?  Will I even be here long enough to see my little girl graduate school, let alone get married?  Will I ever find someone that can care for me the way I know I should care for myself and them?

This life is filled with mountains, and I seem to endeavor to tackle them all at once and be overwhelmed.  It should be easier to target them one at a time but I do not know how.

I need help, but my pride and shame keep me from reaching out to fully embrace it.  I know my friends would love to help me and be the first to be there, but I don’t know how to begin.

What do I do?

How do I start?

 

These are my questions

Posted on by My Inner Storm

On Friendship

When I give myself the gift of a new friend, sometimes I wonder if I take things too far.  See, I am the kind of person that really likes to know everything about a person.  Their hopes, dreams, thoughts, feelings, etc.  I want to know it all as I feel it deepens the bond between us.  I guess, maybe, I should try to place some boundaries, but, it seems to me that would mean giving less than 100% and not being totally real.

Perhaps in such feelings on my own person, I can be seen as wanting more out of a friendship than just what is given.  Time to time, yes, there is that trap, but I feel that only exist for a select few that we end up bonding at a whole different level than just friendship.  That kind of bond happens without a warning, it is not something that is forced, just a deeper connection that pulls at emotions harder than we realize.

Sometimes we are wise enough to sense this happening, and keep these feelings at bay.  Unfortunately, as has happened with me, this can happen without knowledge.  This can lead to awkward situations, or just things that need to be dealt with.  Me, I kind of actually enjoy these deep bonds.  Is it wrong to be able to feel this way with multiple people?  I hope not, for then I would feel that I am broken.

I enjoy being different.  I enjoy giving my all if someone wants it.  I live to be the best friend I can.  That simply, is me.