I need to remember
To take a moment
Review the when, why and how
Try to decompress these emotions
These hopes
Desires
I need to learn to enjoy the view
Projects accomplished
Friends made
Growth of others
Times shared
I need to look back into me
What I have done
Where I am
What I want to be
I need to step away from my current everyday
Take a moment just for me
Because I don’t want to end my life
As merely wasted time
Like the Old Man and the Sea
The First Step is Trust
So many times in life
We wait for that perfect moment
That moment when the clouds part
The sun shines
Maybe we hear birds or bells in the distance
Remember though
This is life
It is never going to be perfect
If we wait for just that moment
We might never get to do something at all
I know situations are not right
You still feel the soreness of scars
The weight of lies told to you
The emptiness of a life betrayed
My own place and time
I should be unacceptable
Yet I am still marketable
There still is wonder
Are my flaws deep enough to overcome
I am not promising the world today
Hell I cannot even promise we will be friends tomorrow
But I can promise this
Walk with me awhile
Tell your tale
Unburden your soul of darkness for you deserve to shine
Take the step
You deserve a friend
Yes there might be more in store
But a good friend is all we need to lean on
To get us to tomorrow
We are both broken
Yet strive to be whole
You cannot fix me
I cannot fix you
But in time
We can support finding those people we want to be
We can become more
That is what I read
When turning the pages
The tales of you and me
Watch Out
Always so busy
Rushing through life everyday
I barely have time to notice
Looks and glances thrown my way
Was that a smile for me
Dare I take a second glance
No time to take in what could have been
Just another moment lost to circumstance
Hurry, hurry, hurry
Doing tasks as I am told
Totally oblivious to the girl
Who is walking in my road
Yeah, even I have hard days
I am not sure where to even begin. I am ok, angry, sad, mellow, pissed, joyous, and depressed all at the same time. Empathy can be a bugger at times, and it is an emotional roller coaster only other empaths really can connect to. Taking in emotions that are not our own, and having them be amplified; all the while having our own separate emotions to try and handle. It should almost be on the spectrum of a mental disorder to a degree.
Having a relationship with an empath can be problematic as well. At least with me, I like to have a deep talk about everything to try and get a good, clear, primal connection with how these feelings and emotions should be… hmm, recognized and enjoyed? I also have the problem of still having a deep caring bond for anyone that I remotely had some form of emotional tie with, be that casual friend or something deeper. I still care for exes, even the ones that did terrible things to me and mine, because I still hope that everyone can have better days and personal peace. There are days I worry that I will never have that, as there are too many feelings and thoughts left unknown bouncing around in here. I doubly have the problem in that if I like you, it is really, really easy for me to extremely like you. Not as in a psychotic possessive stalker, or a consolidator of all your attention, it’s just that I bond on an emotional level sometimes if the chemicals just work in my soul that day.
I try and get my head in order. As you know I have taken to writing as much as I can to set these thoughts and ideas free. There will always be things in me that I never have an answer for, and these things will always pull at my soul. I wish I could just cut it all loose as emotional ballast that I don’t need. But, like a hoarder I keep them all.
So in that, maybe I am a little bit broken. Maybe I will always be a little incomplete as I will never get the pieces to fill in those answers. But I at least recognize it now. And I can admit it too.
So, I guess it is time to pen more pages.
Not So Far
If not for the reality
Of lives so far away
How things would have changed by now
And some words we long to say
These past few months
In which every day is a new surprise
Reveling in the knowledge of similarities
A deep longing within our eyes
Mayhap these miles should be seen
As a blessing and not a cure
For who knows that troubles we could have partaken
Be they amazing or so much worse
Our lives both can be said messy
Binding us both to where we are
Yet dreams and thoughts deny
Blossoms of want and admiration from afar
Dare to entertain the notion lover
Of a chanced meeting we would not miss
Warm and gripping in our embrace
Entwining our souls in that first kiss
Alas this is a day that may never be
Yet sometimes feels more inevitable by the day
When hard questions would have to be asked of ourselves
Answers we are not prepared to say
No matter how our future story is told
There is one thing I know to be true
In that we shall be forever intertwined
Because you love me too
Vertical Not Horizontal
I wish I could love you
From my head down through my heart
But you never wanted to travel that road
You were too scared to explore those parts
So we sadly exist on a surface level
Spread out like a layer of oil on our skin
Oh my sweet love you never chanced to look
At the horrors I keep buried within
All my sense of being a failure
Darker thoughts that could betray
Never did you want to acknowledge them
To give my buried dread its day
Oh Love I am so much more
Than the few layers in which you cherish
And you really need to share your fears with me too
Unbind you soul to relish
I wish I could give us faith
Break our beings down and apart
For in this we would find our true selves
Lay a firm foundation in which to start
One day I fear there will be a reckoning
Because the within my soul this is a must
For in each day the depths are ignored
Brings with it more apathy and rust
Can you find this within you
Will you finally make for us the time
For right now this life is just a bland story
That is missing loves cadence of rhyme
Spirit of ’76
My country tis of thee
Sweet land of liberty
Has our freedom
Lost its ring
Brothers and sisters cry
Our basic rights denied
For fear our beliefs bring
See to me
America used to be cool
Where one person could have an idea
And another could disagree
No hate would come of it
Just more debate for the idea pool
Somewhere along the way
We became a land of I am right
You are wrong
But you will listen to me or be chastised
We became a land of just conservatives
Just liberals
Where is the in between
To me it is better to be progressive
Than to be stuck on one-sided ideology
There is plenty to be learned from the past
Cherished even
But we need to remember
We can never have those days again
We can learn
From utopian ideas of a future
But need to remember the expectations of reality
And not be pissed by not having it NOW!
We should not be a people of gimme its mine
Nor a people of that’s just the way it is
Let us evolve
Honor the past
Look to the future
Yet live in the present
Can we do that
Is it possible in the least
I would like to hope so
This is where I place my faith
Perspective
to see her in my eyes
is to gaze in ways most people don’t imagine
where some find something to criticize
I find something to idolize
you need to learn to see clearer
to look past that which you think is a given
there is a way deeper being there my friend
all you have to do is unlearn what you've been told
don't stop at the skin
I dare you to dive into the soul
and truly see all there is to see
some girls shy away
scared some may find them lacking
I say let yourself be shown
and maybe, just maybe
you might look back and see
me
The Failure of Me
Do you ever feel alone
Like you are a living mistake
The world expects your smile
Yet all you are is fake
Did you ever make a priority
In your soul to reconnect
Forward motion thwarted, turned away
Every advance a reject
How can you carry on
Shouldering all of the load
Feeling the rot as it creeps inside
Leading your soul to corrode
I need to break free
To save my own heart
God please help me learn and understand
How to place myself first and start
I don’t want to give up on this life
But I need to learn to live
Please place the grace within me
To come to the words, “I forgive”
On the Ground
Take a look back
See how far you’ve come
Life is what you choose it to be
There’s no reason to be numb
Not ruled by an overbearing lover
Binding you in despair
Nor the overcautious mother
Smothering you in overzealous care
You’ve made mistakes on your journey
Yet you learn to live, laugh, love, and grow
You’ll be sure to settle your debts
For all the sorrows you sow
One thing is for certain
Let no one play you for a fool
For this life is your own
It is the only thing you truly rule
Your choices are yours alone
Let no power deny
You shall live as you see best
The motto ripe for a battle cry
Take one last look
No matter the sum
No matter the cost
It is what got you here
And the future
Is what you shall do
