31 Day Blogging Challenge

Greetings!

I am kicking off July by accepting Tammy’s challenge over at https://tamelansmile.com/. So without further delay, lets begin with the random number Alexa has given me of 21.

Today’s question: Whom would you invite to an imaginary luncheon, and why?

Without a doubt, I would go with the person I would most like to get to know better. She is a friend of mine from work, who, like me, has some struggles with life. We both have big hearts and care probably a bit to much about what other people have to say, when they see us chatting casually as one or the other happens by.

I would love to know more about the details of her story, how life was as the little sister, how she felt about life growing up, and hearing about how life went sideways in marriage as well. We both share that sad tragedy as well, and are managing the best we can. One could say that I must be doing well as I did get remarried, but yet there are times when I wonder if I did so out of sense of security, versus challenging the ideals of what a deeper relationship could be.

I would want to know her story if she would so wish to tell it, and possibly become the best friend she ever had. Not to just be some blind champion of her station, but an advocate for finding what she need to enjoy life as well. It is the one thing I wish for all people to be honest. I might not be the best facilitator of results, but i can encourage a mindset to place one into a position to succeed if they desired to.

It would be fun to discuss the deeper things, into our faith and beliefs we hold most resolute. And also to understand another’s point of view as well. There are so many trials and tribulations for everyone to bear, and learning how people have previously experienced things, can help protect for a better future.

So many things I would like to ask about and say from my experience as well. She is a fun, courageous, loving person, that I would definitely enjoy the chance to explore.

Existence

  I feel I should be recovered
From that fateful day in the summer
When the die was cast
 
Yet I am still beaten
Blacken and bruised
Broken
 
I don’t know how to heal
I don’t know how to recover
I know I have tried
 
I have fallen in false love
Some call it a first
But it was never enough to her
Not strong enough to keep
But strong enough to exist
Not enough to overcome the betrayal
Strong enough to find courage to walk away
Start over
 
Fall into falseness again
Thought it was more complete
Not strong enough to fight two battles at one
 
I will always choose my daughter
Love understands that
It is my core
 
So failure again
 
False starts
 
Finding one who could be the one
Not being enough for her to commit
Always keeping me wanting more
But not wanting to keep me
So it ends
 
A chance reignites
Burns and feels right
To become something to commit to
Yet is hollow
I fear I need more
I want more
I worry I found it
But will never be able to have it
So far away
And coincidentally
So close
 
And all of it
Is draining my soul

They Don’t Say This at AA

 I see you there with your bright smile
Yet I see such sadness in your eyes
Your eyes are pleading a deeper story
And yet your voice is calm and measured

What happened that scarred you so
Left your heart broken and your thoughts so grim
Who hurt you so deeply that sparkle in your eyes has gone away
Placed such a stain upon your soul

You never speak it aloud
But in my other sight I see
I just wish you could trust
I want you to be safe and protected

I know this life is unfair
It breaks you
Burns you
Bends you
Disappoints you
Warps you
Destroys you

Until you feel you’ve become something to be despised

But you are not

You deserve to be
Cherished
Trusted
Listened to
Have fun with
Challenge life with
Enjoyed
Loved

You deserve it all my dearest
You can have it

I promise

You deserve the sunshine

For the Last

I want to hold you in my arms
Feel your hair upon my skin
Gaze forever into your eyes
Never to want again
 
To feel the softness in your touch
The warmth of your love
Your breath upon my face when we kiss
A touch of heaven above
 
I want these things
I desire from you
I just wish that you find in me
That these are wants for you
 
I want that long conversation
Leading deep into the night
Not just momentary indignation
About our daily plights
 
I want to be your partner
You my soul companion
You the guardian of my heart
And me your final champion
 
I know this all sounds just grand
Empty promises we should both ignore
But you will never know what we could become my love
If we never try to join my tonic with your cure

Moving Past the Past

My friend I see you hurt
Kneeling in the mud in the rain
Not knowing for certain
If anything will heal this pain
 
I see you picking up the pieces of your heart
Guarding them within your chest
So hesitant to let another help
Even if their intent is the best
 
Let me help you sunshine
Let me join your pieces with mine
Together we can overcome this loss
Possibly become something divine
 
It is hard to trust in me I know
Yet I have faith that you do
We can become more than this suffering
Even if I can just heal you
 
You will be better
Maybe even trust in love again
Just stay and rest your head a little while
On my willing shoulder my friend

My Heart

I have been
 
Hurt
Beaten
Broken
Abused
Exploited
Abandoned
Blamed
Demonized
Diminished
Demeaned
Disrespected
Destroyed
Accused
Bankrupt
Forgotten
Ignored
Lost
 
Yet I still love
 
I toil
Possibly in vain
Sometimes I let go
But I still find the means to try
 
I will have love
When it finds me
Or becomes the death of me
 
I just wish it the former and soon

From Out of Left Field

Please excuse me if this goes a bit all over the place.  I haven’t been able to write in over a week and also have not had more than four or five hours of sleep in that period as well.  So needless to say, I am a bit out of sorts.
 
You see, towards the end of this past year, I had gotten into doing a lot of genealogy/family history.  I have been using a site called MyHeritage, and that all is going well actually.  Now, about three months ago, I decided to do a DNA sample too, for finding out more about my ancestry.  Since I was adopted, I had no hard lines back to which ever countries of origin I could be from.
 
This returned from what they tested, that I am mostly German/French, with a touch of English, Scandinavia, and Baltic states thrown in as well.  That all was pretty cool to be honest.  A few days after that though, it started to trickle in matches with other people in their database, mostly one or two percent DNA matches for far removed cousins, much like Kevin Bacon. 
 
This past Saturday though, it returned a 48.9 % match with another woman here in PA.  Looking deeper I found that she was in her 60s as well.  I thought on that for a day or two, but the following Monday, I sent in a message via the site to her.  In it I said, “Hello!  I am not out to cause any drama or anything, but I noticed our match percentage was significantly high.  I was adopted, and was wondering if you might have placed a child up for adoption in the past.”  About two hours passed and she responded back with, “Yes, I placed a boy up for adoption, his birthday was XX/XX/XXXX.”
 
My jaw hit the floor because that is my birthday.  We messaged back and forth more since then, and filled in the gaps that I was her natural son.  She always had a great regret to give me up, but had hopes that one day we would somehow meet.  Needless to say we are both a little emotional about it all as this is a significant event. 
 
She went on to tell me about her life, about the man who was my father that she was briefly with.  They never married and she hasn’t spoken with him in over forty plus years.  She went on to relate that on my father’s side, there are three older brothers and a sister out there.  She eventually met a man and moved to Indiana and had two girls.  They eventually divorced and she had a daughter with another gentleman.  They did not get married, but she and the girls made their way back to PA and she was remarried one last time, and he adopted her youngest daughter. There is an age gap of about 17 years between the last two girls.
 
She had always told her girls about me.  The oldest used to ask more, but stopped around the age of 10 or 11 when she realized how upset it would make her mother.  All of the girls have reached out to me since then, and we have all chatted a bit via text messages or email.  It’s all surreal.  A family I never knew about.  It is fun seeing who has what quirks, and tendencies, and to fill on some of the reasons why I do certain things that are unlike my parents. 
 
As I come to grips, I am sure we shall meet, my birth mother first.  After all, it’s only been how many years?  What is a few days more?!?
 

High School Farewell

Drinks are served
You're meeting with friends
Celebrating the one who's moving away
Supporting the one whose life is in chains
 
You cannot see the irony
Of telling me this tale 

How your friend always feels alone
Unsupported
Unwanted
How her vacation should have been grand
But was ruined by someone who mentally didn’t want to be there
 
I nod my head
Smile and say I know where she is and what she's going through
Yet you still cannot see
I am screaming at the top of my lungs
Jumping and waving my arms
All inside my head
 
Is the fault in my cowardice for not saying more
Or in you for not wanting to deal with this hurt
So close to home
That the cure requires an operation
And not just a simple treatment and prevention
 
Found farewell goodnight
I will see you in bed sometime
Until then
I’m utterly alone
Losing my will to continue

Addict No More

 So much time
I thought you were the one
Yet you are just one more
 
Another in whom I lost myself
One who took all of my love
I thought this was perfect
But it isn’t enough
Never was enough
 
Too many sleepless nights I've wondered
What more could I do
Only to try and fail
Yet I tried again
I looked for more things to be
More things to do
Yet you don’t care
 
It has taken me so long
Heart ripped out by my own hand
To realize it isn’t my fight
I cannot make you choose
That is something only you can do
 
I just hope you realize that when I am gone from your life
You will never find another like me
Another that will give you everything
That will sacrifice all that I am
And I may never get it back
I chose you
 
You
 
You chose the drugs instead
 
Goodbye

Ends of the Galaxy

Two souls passing through life
Chance upon the other one night
Tales are shared between the two
Of where life went wrong and right
 
Certain understandings were found
In the pain they had hoped to manage
Regret and sadness of life passed by
Sharing their scars and damage
 
Little could they have known
As their wounds began to mend
Of a silent evolution in spirit
Becoming something more than simple friends
 
Finding buried within the other
A force yearning for affection
Yet circumstance and sixteen hundred miles
Dampens all thoughts of connection
 
So they are forced to carry on
To no longer entertain the burning desire
But can you ever extinguish a flame
If you didn’t start the fire
 
I am not sure where this will to lead
Yet I'll carry you with me till the end
I will be Milky Way for you sweet Andromeda
My wonderful star crossed friend