All things come to an end
Only a few things truly begin
Search deep within yourself
Lest you lose your heart
Find love throughout
Know change is coming
Karma may not exist
Yet if we toil towards what we know is right
Reward will be its own bliss
Conflict in a Friend
I feel most people, at one point or another, will have a friend that is totally dominated with despair. Their sense of self-worth is shattered to the point where they find themselves valueless. I fear I don’t remotely know what to say or do to be of any help.
My biggest fear for her, is that her despair is not self-inflicted. Rather, her significant other’s control of her to keep her from moving on. She has told me long and in depth about his character, his lack of respect for others, his lack of being a responsible adult and parent. About all the negative things he barrages her with anytime he speaks to her. About all the times he is never there or is emotionally somewhere else. I fear she has been so broken by his mental abuse that she cannot see any other way.
According to her, he is in therapy now. He is telling her his therapist says that she is the monster. I don’t know how she can even listen to him. How many times can someone get put down, shoved down, kicked down, beat down before enough is enough? How is it she still wants to have a relationship with him?
I know I am skewed. I know I am flawed. I know that I had abandoned her once before, but that I had to for me. I have learned and grown so much since then. I could have offered her everything she could have wanted, but she would rather this, this person instead. I feel like I tried so hard, but it went nowhere (more on that with me one day).
So for now, I try and make her see the good in herself. I wish I could make her believe. But one thing I know now, from working on myself, is that believing in yourself and trusting your own advice is the hardest thing to do. And that no one can make you choose you.
Though we all should. It isn’t about being selfish, it is about being true to who we really believe we should be.
Realization of an Unseen Journey
Should we both take a moment
Let the flow of time rewind
Back before the thought of me entered your heart
And you had unknowingly won mine
Can you remember what it was like
In those simple days back then
Nothing more than chance greetings between us
Back when we were just mere friends
That seems so long ago
It feels so far away
Before everything that had been shared between us
Has now brought us to this day
I smile as I reflect and remember
My very first hello from you
Never imagining that one day would appear
In which we both say, “I love you”
A Black Spot Where My Heart Should Be
I wish I didn’t feel this way.
That is the start of a conversation that I have yet to have, and possibly never will. I wish the bond that was between us was deeper, so much deeper. I wish I could tell you the depths of my sadness, how terrified I am of myself. I wish I could tell you how much I despise who I have become versus who I wish I could be. I wish I could trust that we could have this conversation, and not have it totally destroy all we have built. I wish I could have this conversation, and have it not hurt your soul. I wish this and more.
But I know on that day, hearts shall be broken. Souls crushed. Lives upended.
I wish I was strong enough to be able to say these things, and not have it all seem like I was never there with us, for us. I wish I could just fix it all.
But I have ignored it all for so long, that to start now to fix it, may very well just be the end.
Which would be sad and terrible, but it would allow us, allow you, to find someone who really would cherish and love you more than I ever could. I want the world for you, but I don’t know if I can ever give you what you need. I don’t know if I will ever find what I need.
I have a hole in my soul, that may never be healed. I fear all I do is mask it, and never be able to repair it. I’ve tried time, space, being alone, being with others, finding religion, losing faith, therapy, meditation, medication, contemplating death, reveling in life, and more. I know there must be more I can do, I just haven’t found it yet.
I don’t know if it will ever change, and that terrifies me to the core of who I am. It is my burden that no one knows of and is mine alone to carry. I don’t want someone to save me, because for the first time I need to learn to save myself.
I love you
I wish I loved me.
The Rabbit Hole
Thoughts in our conversation
They roam all over the place
Learning about the other
Listening to the details of our hearts
Hearing a possible sadness over missed opportunity
Knowing that if things were different
I would love to grant it
These I want too
It may seem silly
Maybe that I am older
Yet it is also a base desire men have
Legacy
A son
If you and I went down a path together
I would try for your wishes
I know you would for mine
A continuation of our legacy
A bringer of a better future
Yet know that isn’t our only thoughts
We would have us
Partners in a life we have both felt neglected
Being there for the good
Supporting in the bad
Hand in hand
Making each day better than the last
I dare to dream that we
At long last
Might be content
Glowing in the love of another
Reborn
Alive
Combining Worlds
Sometimes I daydream
I think about you and I
Lying together
In the quiet
Listening to the beating of our hearts
Holding each other
Softly running fingers through your hair
Lightly tracing the shapes of your face
Learning and memorizing the details of every inch
Knowing I will know you if my vision were to fade
Running my hands over the shapes of you
Enjoying every caress
Feeling every curve
Slow and steady
As if this were the first and last time we’d be together
Enjoying these moments
With your head on my shoulder
Listening to you breathe
Feeling the air fill your lungs and be let out
Heaving and falling
Touching the beats of your heart
Pumping in your chest
Thumping softly with contentment
Slowing and becoming in time with mine
In these dreams
We become a singular being
Living for each other
Living in each moment
Finally, content
Loved
In these dreams
I finally know what I’ve been looking for
Peace
One Step Back
I wish I knew what to do
Which direction to go
Which choices to make
I wish I knew what was real
Which are voices in my head
Which are ideas that will never be
What I really want
I wish I could find happiness
Enjoy peace
Embrace the quiet
Find that moment of Zen
I wish I could build that power
Become dependent on me
Know that I am strong
Know that I can do this
I wish all those things
But
I am just me
Weak
Flawed
Uncommitted
Unhappy
Unsatisfied
Loved by many
Unloved by me
Does She Wonder Too?
Even though we have never met
I wonder what she thinks
Are we missing out on family
A lost soul needing a link
I admit to all that in the past
That I had been dismissive
In the knowledge that she exists
As I grow older I start to wonder sometimes
If this is something I dearly miss
I am not complaining
My adoptive life has been more wonderful than I can explain
But to share my story more with her
Is that all so bad
I feel that I would like to know
If we react to things the same
If we have genetic quirks
Our own shared demons to tame
So today I wonder
How life has worked out and been for my sister
Even though we have never met
Deep inside I think that I feel
I feel that I truly do miss her
Intermission
As I get older I’ve realized that I need to take a moment
Enjoying some silence
Allow my mind to clear and wander
Pondering possibilities of you or me
Yet being mindful of the paths we have been on before
The tales that have been written of us
I feel I see good things
Just over the horizon
At least it is what I would love to say
But I must ground myself from that fool’s errand
Of promising a tomorrow when we both barely can survive today
So for now I am just grateful
In the knowledge of this new friendship we share
Knowing we both have different wants and needs
We both desire more from this life
In this we choose to walk with care
Our troubled pasts we have yet to conquer
Both have major obstacles to overcome
Important changes that must be done
Just know from me
For you I have nothing but honesty
This road of recovery may be brutal
But find security in knowing
It need not be a journey of one
Good Charlotte – Moment of Clarity
I was caught unaware
She entered the room
Literally dumbstruck blindsided
Totally overcome once more
That sweet smile
Those beautiful inviting hazel eyes
A person I still longed to hold
Or even ached to touch
It had been so long
Since we parted for separate ways
Yet so much was left undone
So many questions unanswered and words unsaid
I wish
I wish I could take it all back
If I had only been stronger
Never would I have demanded you to choose
Never would I have that one regret
I might not have lost you
But I did
If I could go back
We might still be having that dance today
Never firmly in one place
Together yet apart
Flirting
Keeping us both wanting
But alas I was weak
Seeing her again reminding me
I didn’t just fail her in my insecurity
Worse than that
I failed
Me
I have never forgiven myself for this
Possibly I never will
Yet seeing her once more fills me with the hope
That one day if I allow
I will walk in sunshine once more
