Tired, bruised, derelict and forlorn
Still searching to find a home
A soul to rest with
A life to cherish just as my own
So long have I drifted
Dancing from partner to partner
Sometimes just a song
Sometimes a bit longer
Yet never finding what I need
Return to the waves
Walking the hills
So much I have searched through
I tire of simple thrills
I need something a bit more
May I brave to impose on you?
That I may dance with a wonderful gypsy queen
If our steps find fitting
Waltz this way as it were
I’ll become your vagabond king
In our measure we can show the world
Better yet ourselves
That good things are worth waiting
Even fighting for
So what say you?
Let’s roll the bones
After all life is always a game of chance
Who could ever ask for more?
A Nice Thought
A day will come though I know not when
A day that I have seen in my mind’s eye
One in which we meet again
Which is strange as we already know and have met
Yet on this day it is different
A day in which we never had before
One in which we are free
Embracing you my dear friend
With an urgency of someone thought lost
Our hearts break free from the tyranny of our yesterdays
A feeling we had feared we had only imagined
On that day I pray I am still bold
I may tremble, but I want to brush your hair away from your face
Dive within those beautiful, longing eyes
And say again for the first time
Hello
Letting Go
I am sorry that things did not turn how we wanted
I am sorry that I have nothing left in which I can fight
For too long we both denied the truth
We both need to move on with what is right
Never should we have entertained an easy fix
It is something we separately feared from the start
The hurt we share with a simple, “I love you”
When you know it isn’t from my heart
With this I am the villain
Pulling the wool over our eyes
Hoping to build a house of cards to last
No, just someone you may despise
You always said you loved me more
I never wanted to admit you were right
I want you to receive the love that you give
Not this person who will not fight
So this is my final goodbye
For me you can cry your last tears
I am merely the friend who failed at love
But it is what I want you to find my dear
Finally Spinning that ‘45
It is something I already knew
Yet something I recently discovered
It is not merely enough for me to love a girl
I need to bleed to love her
This may come across as a curious statement
Why lace love with pain
This is something I have thought years upon
I finally now feel I can explain
I need a certain energy, a certain drive
A certain quality I cannot readily comprehend
Along with a certain fear of losing her
I hope this is something you can understand
I need to be fully invested
Not merely skating by on half measure
For easy and safe is fine and all
But to me it is nothing I can treasure
I need a love in which to fight beside
Helping to conquer life each day
I am not one who is content to keep things as they are
For if left idle my ability to love fades
I need the strife, the struggle
The feel of always wanting to prove
And in this love you would reciprocate
For this is the love we choose
Something stronger, something brighter
Something to scream to the heavens about
Because anything less to me is not true love
And something we could do without
I want to live with you, breathe you in
Accept the soul of your being
For in this love I reach for a life divine
One in which our shared heart is beating
Monkey Wrench
You still manage to surprise me
Even though we barely talk
All you’ve ever needed was a moment
In it you turn my heart upside down
You and those beautifully sad eyes
Wearing a smile that ends with a laugh and a half
You are intoxicating
Sometimes infuriating
Yet every fiber of my being wants to know more
I don’t know what is going on with you
I really wish I had more to go on than a hunch
Swinging at air without a pitch
Like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football
Hoping one day to connect Lucy
Even if nothing were to happen
I will not bear for you a grudge
Just looking for an answer
To the quote of ,”Wink wink, nudge nudge”
The Loving Arms of the Phoenix
Gazing into my spirit with such brilliant intent
Unnerving yet covering me with a calming and soothing energy
Washing away the years of flotsam restraining my soul like a river into a bank
Slowly eroding the debris of false ideals I bonded myself to for years
In those deep loving orbs is such a warmth
A love so rare I find it so hard to believe
Yet she tells me, it is how I constantly gaze at others constantly
Now is the time to gaze inward and share it with myself
This is not being selfish
Rather the realization in the value of my own self worth
A concept as foreign to me as it is something I never contemplated
But I must
Her aura envelopes and invades my injured being
Reassuring me I am okay
I should celebrate being me
It is normal to be hurt, but to let it go lest it become suffering
I can feel my old self fighting yet falling to her power
She does to me what has been said I do for others
She just radiates pure love, compassion, healing, peace
Tears well in my eyes as I am wracked to my soul in awe
Crying over failures, fears, and sins
Overwhelmed by all that has transpired so complete
To the point I feel cracks form in my barriers
I feel my dark energy being expunged into the world
I feel reborn
All thanks to those beautiful brown eyes
This lovely soul
Who simply reminds
I am worthy too
Looking for Clues
I admit I have done a lot of looking back and wondering, where exactly did things begin to go wrong. I start comparing my life with Amy and my ex-wife Holly to see when or why I began to pull away. Or worse still, could it have been I never was truly in love with either of them, but clinging to the safety of what a relationship could bring versus what really motivates my heart.
When I look back, I realize the both of them entered my life immediately in the aftermath of a relationship that had extremely deep emotions running through them. I was all in for each of them even though, technically, with both Becca and Sue, neither of them were my ‘girlfriend’. I spent so much time invested into the pursuit of both of them that maybe I was still emotionally drained. I know I have written about both of them many times before, about how deeply I felt bonded to both of them. It should seem ridiculous to have them as a comparison, but it is there. Heck, I still wonder at length even today about what happened, and if I think on it to hard all of the hurt of failure still comes back to tear at me.
With Holly today, I have no hurt other than wishing we could find a way to be friends again. I have no deep lingering want for the mother of our daughter, other than for her to be happy in her life and to let go of our failed past.
With Amy, I fear I feel just as hollow. As if either were a momentary refuge to rebuild ourselves in.
I feel I would be remiss if I left Cambria from this list as well. I have known her since high school, and we even lived together for the better part of two years after we both were divorced. Yes, we were surviving our failed marriages together, yet also our base friendship and admiration for each other. I did see her as a partner I wanted to have for life and am saddened that she could not wait for me. We had split only because it was recommended to me by my attorney at the time. I was filing a custody complaint to get real visitation times defined, and trusted in what the lawyers had to say. After that was done, I tried to get her back for years.
That is about when Sue did enter the picture like a bolt from the blue. We just clicked on a primal instinctual level even though she refused to go out with me for the longest time. One day after I found the courage to ask her if there was someone else in her life, she wrote back to me later about the fact that she did, and that it wasn’t fair to me. Also that she did not expect to share the same feelings I did towards her as well, that I made her feel safe and could confide her darkest fears and secrets about bad things that had happened to her in her past. I had become special to her with no effort, and that she did not want to lose me as her friend. Honestly, this only made me admire her even more. I fell in love with a woman I couldn’t have because she felt trapped with another.
Sadly, I made the fool hardy mistake of demanding her to choose between us one day. Much to my surprise, she chose me! I was so elated and joyous, but that did not last long. Later in the day as the initial buzz wore away, I realized what I did was fundamentally wrong. Love should be a free choice, and not a demand. So, I told her this and that she should still do as she had been. I hated myself for asking her to choose. So, she continued to see the other, and we, well, are not as close anymore. Not that I wouldn’t want to be. Every time I see her it all cascades back to me.
Thus, I eventually found Amy. And the cycle of going into a safe relationship started again.
So, here I am now. Facing the end of a ‘safe’ marriage where it feels there is no real heart or passion in it, just a safe choice made between two hurting people.
I have found, I need to feel. I want every day to need to put forth my best, no longer be satisfied with being complacent or typical. I want more, I need more. I need my heart to beat and my lungs to breathe. I need the challenge love brings. I need it all.
So, sadly, I feel it is time to start over again.
Something in the Coffee
I hope that you never notice
While you are sitting there
Deep within conversation
Sharing thoughts on how we feel and care
Yet instantaneous moments
The view of you that strikes my eyes
Capturing just simple perfection
For me to seal within the depths of my mind
It endearing how you laugh at me
When I point out your beauty
Rolling your eyes and laughing at my strange belief
Oh my friend you are that picturesque
I will relish in receiving your grief
Oh these are sweet touching moments
Times that I love to spend
Leaving me in breathless wonder
Pondering the quiet beauty of my friend
Dancing with Demons
Anger, sadness, fear, madness
Which demon calls for me today?
Invading my life
Leading me astray
I wish I didn’t feel this
I’d be better off dead
Yet
There will be another tomorrow
So yet today I shall try
Try to find calm
Find a ray of happiness
Embrace the hope of better times
Bring order back into my life
One foot in front of the other
Step by step
(oh baby!)
I’m not done steppin yet!
I Don’t Want to Beg
Oh my dear friend
You just don’t understand
How is it the both of you
That you both are the same
Managing to disarm me with your smiles
Sharing the same green eyes
The same flowing brown hair
Hell even the same birthday
How I feel so deeply
So much I feel it resonate against my soul
Every fiber of my being
My body aches to talk to you
To hear everything, anything you have to say
All you fear
All you dream
To dare to help you however I can
To dream to love you
I hope you could love me
Yet
You will not tell me anything
Just to leave me wanting more
Not knowing to try harder
Or just let go
I love this
I hate this
But I accept it
So please
Take a chance on me
Or let me know you need to walk another path
Either way is fine
Because then I can at least move
and stop standing here being awestruck by you
Brain Stew, because anything less is uncivilized 