Just like that
Everything changed
All I thought I had known
Blown away by the revelation of a statement
Something subtly assumed but never heard or seen written
She admitted for the first time
The first since we met in high school
The first since we had both fell out of other love into divorce
The first since we started dating
The first since we moved in together
The first since I moved away
The first since we ended
The first since she moved on
The first since I finally tried too
She admitted those three simple words
Three words I have so endeavored to hear
I love you
And I
I am smitten all over again because
I still love you
The Power of the Black
There is nothing for you to say
Nothing to try and do
Just, just sit with me a spell
Let me spill out my darkest thoughts
Expel the sadness
Or is it madness
Then maybe
Maybe
I will be able to try again
It’s fucking hard
I hurt so much over things you couldn’t, wouldn’t understand
I feel them
It doesn’t make them any less real
Fuck, I wish I were selfish enough to just die
Brave enough to tell her everything about how I feel
I am such a coward
Such failure
Such a nothing
To me
I need to fix this
I don’t know how…….
Or if I even want to…….
My Constant Grief
So odd really
It isn’t my nature to fight
I try so hard to come to peace with love denied
Yet I cannot shake this emotion bond
Soul so entwined and wrapped within another
You did not want that
Or maybe you did
Did it scare you as much as it scares me?
Two hearts melding together so perfectly
A finality or fatality
That being separated has caused me so much anguish and torture
My existence is nothing more than constant pain
I grieve every day I cannot see or speak with you
Yet I speak plenty
I scream at your ghost in those moments that I miss you the most
So utterly in despair I become inconsolable
Torn to shred and scattered into ashes
I don’t know how to go on
God knows I have tried
God knows it isn’t fair to those who love me
I keep falling back into the memory
This makes everything else feel so hollow and fake
I try to smile
I try to love
But my heart is not in it
She is still tied to the ghost of the ideal of you
What we were
What we may never be
Death would have been so much easier
As much as I might want to
I cannot blame you
This is all me
And a love with no hope for closure
A Depth of Unfathomable Advice
If I could go back in time
Warn myself of what I now know
Would I be able to heed this information?
This one definitive piece of advice so true
Would it have made any difference?
If ever there was one thing I wish I had known
Or least the power to truly comprehend
Is that I have a dire warning about falling in love
Wait a minute? How can it be that love is a bad thing?
Isn’t love and being in love what we all are borne into the world seeking?
It very well may be
But
We never knew the true magnitude of what it could cost
Of a love so strong
We breathed its essence every day we could
We dined and nourished our souls within it
We placed all of our hope and dreams with it
Never knowing in that the relation in which this love was found could end
Yet
We will mourn and yearn for its return
A love that consumed our souls and our sense of everything
Love in which we ourselves died in and may never recover from
In time we sometimes delude ourselves for a spell
Enjoying the momentary rapture of another
Never telling of the true loss we still feel
In time this moment shall fade and feel hollow
Never enough
It is never enough because they have no idea and neither did we
That overwhelming pain of existence starts to return and grow like cancer
Every, damn, day
Until finally the new distraction collapses
We had spent our hearts currency and can no longer afford the bill
It drives us mad with feelings of sadness, unworthiness, anxiety, fatigue
Festers an anger with others when they criticize our intents or lamentation of our loss
It weighs down our souls with crippling doubt and despair, making us fearful we ever again can be happy
It is so much, so hard, so heavy
That we may even believe in relieving ourselves of this life without it
But endure we must
We must have hope
Not just in that if we had a chance to get that back
Even if just for a momentary taste
No
That would be my warning on the folly and cost of true love
The lesson yet to be learned is that finding it once in a lifetime is hard
But it is possible to find it again
We won’t notice it at first
A subtle smile, an open hand, a compliment
Yet we may trust
Let all our past knowledge be known
Not to compare
No
To be listened to and be understood
Maybe, just maybe
Another soul will feel all of our pain
Acknowledge our feelings and will not compete with it
Just nurture our being
Moment by moment
Day to day
Until one day we wake to amazement of what you feel
In that now this new feeling is just as irreplaceable
That you cannot fathom life without them
You feel their heart beating
Their lungs breathing
Their love overwhelming
It is your love too
You finally step out of the past
Forging ahead into a new life
Embracing Fears
It is supposed to be hard
At least I would hope so
Relationships take work
It also takes a lot of respect and humbleness
I have felt trapped in them before
Fearing another’s reactions
And worse still
Having crippling anxiety over what society might judge me as
So please
Look hard, damn hard, in the mirror
Gaze deep into the eyes of your soul
Ask yourself, if you saw your best friend in the mirror, what you would tell them?
What advice would you give to help them?
Listen to your words
Write it down if need be
Think on that a spell
Then ask yourself the question
“Why do I not respect myself enough to follow my own advice?”
You are your own person
We walk our paths because we want to and it feels right to us
Not because someone else wants us to be a certain way
Not to please someone to be in their good graces
Be free
One day we will find that person that feels just as strongly about us as we are
This is a hard truth I learned way too late in life
But I learned it and embrace it
This is a hard choice
Yet one in which we would cheer everyone we remotely care about to make
So buck up and embrace the today
For it is the day you finally
Finally fell in love with you!
Slightly Ajar
I never set out imagining this could happen
There was no motive or intent
Yet it happened in a mere moment
With the possibility to impact a lifetime
Where there was a shift however so slight
Between friends caring as a friend
Talking about lives and situations
Looking for advice or a friendly ear just happy to listen
To the surprised realization of something we did not entertain
Where once our walls were locked and steadfast
Now there is a portal askew
I tried closing it myself
Save us from that temptation
Yet I saw the depth of colors within
I wonder if you too have observed this sensation
I wish I were brave to just look you in the eyes
Ask a certain question that only you can answer
It isn’t that I am afraid of things being naught
I always have been one to hear what you really have to say
A heart like yours I know
Never wants to bear harm or hurt for anyone
But if feelings got hurt it would be my own fault and not yours
I would respect you more either way for you to just speak true
As long as it is what is in your heart
Either way, I will always support and be your friend
Friends we became one late autumn day
Friends we shall be as long as you wish
Friends that listen to hearts no matter the thoughts
Isn’t that what we would wish for each other
So don’t be afraid of hurting me
Reveal the depths of why you have that anxiety
Is it because your heart is somewhere else
Or did it inadvertently gaze behind the door
Do you too, wonder if we could be more
The Warrior’s Question
Maybe I should not ask this of you
Yet I feel I need to make things clear
Which path do you wish to choose
Choosing the path of the friend you get my shield
Support as much as possible and defend you as a member of my tribe
Or the path of something more
My sword would be yours
I will fight for you
Fight until my last breath
Fight every day as my best
Fight even after death
I would give you everything and anything if you wanted it
All you need is to choose
Someone who is merely in your corner
Or someone who will die for you
A Certain Gravity
Although I cannot see her
I feel her presence even now
A slight pull on my soul, grasping at my core
Pushing and pulling my heart in waves
She is so weak now, yet enduring, persevering
Knowing, hoping in time she shall rise again
Showing the world in her luminous radiance
Chasing dark clouds of personal fears, daring again to be seen, felt, heard
I feel so fondly and deeply for her
Even now while she is hidden
Is it selfish for me to dare to wonder if she feels me too
Or are we just described to pass each other by
I am content to be peacefully aware of this
Yet question if it is in the realm of possibility
For her to be my moon
And I
Her sea
This is a reply of inspiration from A WRITER'S SOUL. Please swing by and check out this awesome writer!
https://awriterssoulblog.wordpress.com/author/awriterssoulblog/
Tears of Pressure
Moments like this
Find us staring face to face
Eyes diving into another
Souls melding
Aches unintentionally soothed
How or why does this happen with us
It isn’t like we are making an active decision
Trust me if I could that would solve so many issues
But there is no magic button to press
Just two souls that cried out to the world
Two souls that answered
There is a certain magic in this
Someone might be foolish enough to label this as love
In this I do not know
I do know as each day passes by
A line we never knew draws near
We might inadvertently cross it
Or recognize this boundary of our friendship
Part of me hopes that we do
I enjoy though just being your friend
I am humbled to be trusted by you
Yet I cannot deny I have entertained that idea
That I wonder what may lay on the other side
Yes it could be a grand mistake
Then again it could be something greater
This is a choice that is set in front of us
If we are brave enough to take it
I am content just to be terrified
Yet wonder if you have these thoughts as well
Does your heart beat just happy and content
Or yearn for something more
To entertain a notion so unthinkable
A relation in which we sacrament
Blah
Am I damaged
Is this my only role
Find and care in another
Only in the total to let go
Never did I intend
Bring someone I care for to harm
It is nothing I wanted to engage in
Possess this dishonest charm
To me it seems in time
People just drift apart
Is this truth of reality
Or the damage of my heart
I live, laugh, and love
Yet can never seem to sustain
Is this built from all my past failures
From when inexperience was to blame
Maybe one day will come
In which I may break this curse
Hopefully to see this while waking
Before carried away in a hearse
Brain Stew, because anything less is uncivilized 